Monday, November 26, 2012

The Return Of The Human Snowball

Me (after going upstairs to check on the kids): Erm honey - what are you doing?
Daughter: Oh - I'm just drawing.
Me: And pray tell why have you taken all your clothes off?
Daughter: Oh you know - sometimes you just want to draw in your underpants. 

This might be tautological - but my two and a half year old son is emotionally unstable. It doesn't follow any sense of logic or reason. He's just a tumult of swirling emotions that he has no idea how to funnel or stop. As of yet, anyway. For example, he'll ask for breakfast. He'll tell you specifically what he wants. As in he'll say "oatmeal!" then (annoyingly) he'll say he wants the raspberry flavor. Then he will giddily sing a song about how great it is going to taste. You'll give him a bowl - which he sings a song about. Then a spoon - which also gets it's own song. Then you'll allow him to pour the oatmeal in the bowl to cook and he'll still be all excited about it. Then you present the hot bowl of oatmeal to him while he's still giggling and he breaks down into a weird sobbing depression. Or - worse - a all-will-be-destroyed rage.

The rage is less likely, thankfully. But the sadness comes on like a geyser lately. It's not manipulative like an older child. It's pure, erupting two-year-oldness. This morning he bounded across the living room to me at just-gone-5am and joyfully asked to scroll through the various wooden Thomas the Tank Engine guff on Amazon for sale. I was in the middle of reading a bible study thing so told him no. And he just collapsed on the ground remonstrating. In that way that is mostly silent but still manages to express an enormous amount of crying is going on. Think a cross between an elderly woman in eastern Europe somewhere who's entire world has been lost to an earthquake and an Italian footballer who's just been told he was offside. Mouth clamped open, eyes wide, and a cry emanating from him in a weird stuttered manner which makes it sound like only about an 8th of the actual noise is somehow being amplified.

Thankfully it does come with the upside also. So it's a bit like having a bi-polar, drunken recent-divorcee in the house. Especially as he also mixes in a small dose of "NO - YOU DON'T EXIST" in with it as well. Which - as you've probably figured out - is a very persuasive mood he gets into where you'll go find what he's up to and he'll shut you down. At first he'll bellow at you to go away. Then that fast changes to him stating that "you aren't there."Then he just shuns you. And again - it's so effective you do wonder if you are actually really there. But then you notice his smug, cloak of invisibility face (his eyes are closed - ergo you don't exist) and you realize he's fooling no-one.


Right now though he very much wants to go play in the snow. I do not. It's not 9am yet and I'd like to get to 10am before thrashing 90 minutes of hill climbing and sledding out of him. Add we're likely to go out two or three times if it snows again. My son is at least prepared to pull his own sled around because he likes achieving jobs. But he's also been told by someone (his sister) that the two best things about snowing are to a) lie on the ground face-down and eat all the snow like a goat, and b) that Daddy is the best human snowball in the universe. That was something I introduced to her (and you) last year. It's having the kids run at you - catch them in your arms and then roll theatrically for about ten feet in the direction they were running whilst yelling, "THE HUMAN SNOWBALL!!!" He's quite enamored with that but I need more cups of tea and sitting down before I have enough fuel for that. I managed to dissuade him from kitting up when I packed his sister off to school on the bus. Although I nearly changed my mind when thwacking snowballs into her and the dog became quite pleasing (that dull, thump when a dense snowball hits your own ignorant child in the back is a wonderful noise). It has at least stopped snowing so I don't have to worry about shoveling the driveway off two to three times. I have called every local snowplow guy I know of without response so far. It hasn't been deep enough this past weekend or this morning for one to have come - but the forecast has wall-to-wall lake-effect for the week.

Which likely means 75 degrees and sunny for the next month given the track record they have.

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