Friday, March 15, 2013

Friday Fizzle

Son: The rudeness!!

My son has started imitating me. But not in a complimentary way. I for one have never found him helpfully eating all the hazelnut chocolate in the house before anyone else finds it, purely so that no-one could be hospitalized from a nut allergy that suddenly develops. But then we can't all be heroes can we? Nor - thankfully - has he started copying some of my more offensive and socially unacceptable habits. Obviously I'm not going to mention those because I don't want anyone to know that I have a hair growing out of my nose that I like to gently twiddle so that it tickles pleasantly. Or how I pick beef jerky out of my molar teeth with tweezers. And I certainly don't want anyone to know about my record of how many quarters I can stuff inside [content removed to maintain the last shred of dignity I have]. No. Instead my son has started melodramatically yelling, "HOW DARE YOU!" like Brian Blessed when I ask him to do things. It can be anything. I can ask him if he wants to play a game, or if he's hungry or even if he could please stop jumping on me with his goat-like hooves. And then he'll bellow that at me. I've tried to get it on video but the little bugger gets camera shy.

That's not all that bad. And quite often afterwards he progresses on to the more absurd yelling of, "the rudeness!!" before running off. More embarrassing is that his current acting-out story obsessions is yelling, "MR. WORM HAS GOT ME!!!" while we're stood in the school corridor waiting to pick up his sister. Worse though is that he grabs my finger and tries to jam it into his ear/eye/down his shirt collar before yelling, "MR. WORM IS IN MY GHOST HOLE!!!" I try my best not to look either too uncomfortable or too completely comfortable with the situation when he does that.

My daughter has also taken to telling her birth story to people at school. As in other kids at school. Oddly she seems to think it's such a thrilling story that she's decided to make a book of the events for a few of the kids there so they can keep a copy of the memorable moment at home. Complete with drawings that she's doing as well - although hopefully not one of what was occurring when her mother was on her way down the stairs after she really kicked into labor overdrive. Luckily for her we have a self-made book of the event that she's basically lifting the story line from word for word.

This is her version of the inside cover page. Cracking likeness there.

When I asked her about it yesterday after school she also helpfully made the face she says that she was making when she was born. It's a real winner of a face.

Lastly though - as I'm sure you're all aware - today is Leprechaun Day. Which is just the massively racist way that St. Patrick's Day has been relabeled at my daughter's school. And although that isn't even today this is the last day of school before then - so my daughter was asked to wear green and keep an eye out for things being stolen. Which as we all know are the two main characteristics of the Irish. I've written before about how it's demented that the US has taken a foreign holiday and turned it into a surreal, prejudicial day of mentalness where the completely inaccurate idea that, "Everyone Is Irish Today!" is bleated around - so I won't do it again. Except to say that my daughter has already forewarned me that she suspects that there are leprechauns hiding in our house who are planning to trash the place. And what with her having a half-day at school I can't wait to find randomly dropped crap everywhere that my kids then blame on the Irish.

Although when I ask my son if he chucked those books on the floor I am hoping to video him camply wailing, "THE RUDENESS!!" at the suggestion.

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