Sunday, October 20, 2013

A Moment Of Clarity

Daughter: The elephants are bumming you Daddy!!

Recently I made a stupid mistake. Granted I've made a fucking, big pile of them over time. But usually the ones I get involved with are either quite novel and unique, or at least have such a quality to them that I'm almost happy they happened. I'm not referring to being bummed by elephants here - that just happened to be the interesting way that my daughter described how she was shoving her two teddy-bear-elephant-things into me this morning. But on Thursday morning I realized that I was making a mistake so stereotypical that it was almost boringly predictable. To put it bluntly I was in a rebound-relationship.

I'll spare you the little details. But it suddenly dawned on me that I was not at all ready for a relationship, let alone to live with someone. Everything I do is what I think is best for my kids. Jesus - my ex-wife and I got divorced because we thought it'd be best for them. We worked fucking hard to get to a point where our divorce was unlike any I know. No animosity. No drama. Just two adults being civil and kind to the point where everything we did was done in almost a dreamlike way. So much so that we got on with other so well that it confused other people who expected us to be screaming at each other. And it was all to avoid doing anything too weird and life-changing for our kids. But there I was rocketing too quickly into a pretty serious relationship well before I should have. All the excitement of a new relationship had clouded the fact that I'm just not ready for one at all.  Add I suddenly noticed that it would have a massive effect on my children. New people, new places (and almost twenty miles away at that) and another adult with legitimate opinions and concerns. Add that new person had to try and wrap their head around the uniquely pleasant way the ex-wife and I worked together. Which is unbelievably hard because assumptions arise in which you'd expect us to either be screaming and fighting, or desperately trying not to fuck one another out of rage. Which just simply isn't the case. After spending over six months with the ex figuring out ways to make a divorce work smoothly I'd jumped two feet into a new thing. Quite how I'd done something that selfish isn't clear. Well - the boobs and tequila had quite a bit to do with it obviously. But I shouldn't have.

Anyhoo - it was a slap to the face and I quickly realized that I wasn't even remotely ready for that and more importantly I'd be a shit dad if I carried on with it. The kids had only been over to that house for one evening so it hadn't really struck a solid chord with them as "what Daddy does now." So I moved out and ended it before anybody got seriously hurt by it. A bit shitty I know but there we are. In life you get into things that you think are going to be amazing but end up going in a completely different direction that you aren't comfortable with. For example a lot of men are besotted with the idea of threesomes. But I can confirm that they are indeed shit. They're not like porn in any way. I fumbled into one once with an ex-girlfriend and it was awful. In fact I distinctly remember saying to her, "I know this should be amazing but I'm really not happy that your dad joined in." 

Anyway enough of that. I'll get back to the proper writing later. In the meantime the kids and I had a fantastic day yesterday at their house jumping in leaves. Ten Internets to anyone who can find the boy in this.

And this tells you all you need to know about what simple pleasure is.

And just for a laugh - my daughter teaching me to swim in leaves.

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