Monday, October 28, 2013

Tracy Emin's Vagina Candle

Son: I can't eat this yoghurt Daddy. It makes my eyes close.

At which point he demonstrated it by taking a spoonful and then laboriously closing his eyes. I asked him to show me again and he did. I kept asking till his yoghurt was gone too. Because I'm smarter than him. I win.

Actually he's been doing that a lot lately. And by that I mean lying. But in a friendly, jokester kind of way.He makes claims about the most mundane nonsense that can't possibly be true to get out of doing some things. But nicely he also does it just to be ridiculous. A common one for not being able to do much of anything work-wise is to say, "my legs hurt too much." Obviously I had to do that thing where I actually check (and worry, slightly) that his legs do actually have a long-term pain in them. Usually by picking him up after he says it and making an off-hand remark about milkshakes or some such thing. Then as he scampers off at a sprint I'm fully aware he was making it up entirely. But obviously I prefer it when he just completely talks out of his arse and claims that he can't come pick his shoes up right now because, "it makes my nose fall off." Much better than the oddly-threatening response of, "I can't Daddy because then I'll have to hurt you."

And apropos of nothing I wanted to show you this monstrosity.

It was a rather beautiful, three-pronged, massive candle that my friend lovingly cared for. It was fantastic. It's obviously seen better days. Actually now it looks like some God-awful monstrosity that Tracy Emin might have made to look like a wax model of an Oompa Loompa's vagina. Which, for some reason, someone has poached an egg in.

Anyhoo quickly moving on. I keep forgetting to mention that my son is constantly exhausted in the afternoons now. Going to daycare has really opened him up. He would have moods prior to going of being excessively shy or boisterous. Now he's just boisterous. Talks to anyone. But having a thing to go and do means that around 5.30 everyday he just crashes entirely. Which is poor timing for him because that's what time dinner is. He's been demanding to be put to bed around 5.45/6pm every day. And he'll drop off to sleep instantly too. Makes a big change from 8pm, I can assure you. Still would happily get up at Twat O'Clock every day too if his mother hadn't so diligently managed that side of things by telling both kids they can't go do anything fun until at least 6 - so don't bother getting up. The excitement dissipated quite quickly there and they often have to be woken up to get ready for school now.

I did take a bunch of photos at the Halloween party the kids went to, but they're all uniformly blurry. Especially sad as I had one where a kid was strewn upside down hanging off a fire engine, and underneath someone had spilled juice. But out of context it looked as if a midget dressed as Fred Flinstone had smashed their skull open and was dying. Which I thought was funny, anyway. Instead all that came out was this one of my son in blue dinosaur/dragon (depending on his mood) with his mother. She dressed uptoo without my knowledge. So I ended up going to a party as the only member of a family not dressed up - ergo looked like a joyless twonk. So I just told people in a very Hugh Laurie/Christopher Biggins English accent that I was dressed as an American man. I'd litter my speech with references to school killings and breakfast pizza to seem more authentic as well.

I like though how - if you just quickly glance at the photo - that it looks a bit like my son is urinating a delightful golden stream. He has the look of concentration and everything.

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