Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Erectile Dysfunction and The Boy Who Screamed Fart

My daughter's boyfriend came over on the weekend. He then proceeded to try and impress her by constantly repeating the word, "fart".

I spent yesterday morning doing two things.

1) Listening to my son - who was shirtless, by the way - telling me over and over that he is going to eat my underwear. I believed him completely.

2) Tried to explain to my daughter what erectile dysfunction is after she saw a commercial for medication on television. And by that I obviously mean tried to avoid the issue entirely. Not ready for that one thanks. After not managing to do so (she's a persistent little bugger) I went for the nuclear option and just yelled, "who wants cookies!!?"before making an excuse to vacuum in the basement for ten minutes. Close call.

Oh - before I forget - I came across this the other day (not literally - I'm not mental). It's a thing to fit to your kid's bed/cage so that they can get a drink whenever they want. It's the sort of thing you'd put in a hamster or budgie cage. I can't tell if it's colored white or is filled with gallons of breast milk like some odd 1930s Stalinist Russian factory. I wish I'd had one when the kids were little. It would have been really useful when I was sleeping and they wandered in through the cat-flap late at night.

Also lately whenever I take or pick up my kids for school they keep screaming, "DADDY IS A CRAZY DRIVER!!!" Two things to note here -:

1) I am not a crazy driver.

2) They often start screaming this before I've even left the driveway. Car may not even be turned on yet.

Not sure what prompted them to accuse me of such a thing. Nevertheless it is somewhat fun for me to watch them flinging themselves around in their seats as if they were crash test dummies. However it isn't quite as fun to hear them recount the drive to daycare/school by telling everyone that I drive like a twat. That's the problem with kids - they tell everyone EVERYTHING that goes on - even if it's patently untrue. Fortunately this also means they tell me everything too. Can't hold it in. So I get to find out if someone's parents think I'm a dick or cute or whatever. Which is helpful. Especially as a teacher and the lady in the office have remarked on my insane driving skills.

My son though is also in that frame of mind where he tells you how he feels to the extreme. So when I came back from the girlfriend's on Sunday his first reaction was to tell me he doesn't like me anymore. This after (according to the ex-wife) he spent all morning telling anyone who would listen that he couldn't wait for me to get there and that he loved me. Ah well. At least he forgets after ten minutes and then just starts being cuddly and demanding to be held. He doesn't ever forget to get back to threatening to eat my underwear though.

Anyhoo - my daughter has a boyfriend. I'm sure she gave a different name last time I asked her (or was it several names?). But she really likes a boy in her class so her mother arranged a play-date for them. She hadn't had one of those for quite awhile. Her and her friend had a great time running around, screaming into microphones and pretending that they were being chased by a fart. Which is quite possible knowing my children. My son claimed that his friend "from the bakery" (not a clue) was coming over too. But when he/she/it didn't show he claimed he "must be stuck in snow somewhere." Yeah, probably.

Now I don't remember what feeble ways I indulged in to impress new friends. I do seem to remember actually paying someone a pound once to play with me. And then they didn't. They had a pound now you see - so they went and bought a pic-n-mix and a copy of the Dandy. I also remember letting someone take my Millennium Falcon home so that I could kiss their sister (did too). Didn't even live in the Third World at the time either - although it was Hereford, which is awfully close. But I was surprised by the force and frequency that my daughter's friend kept repeating the word, "fart." No idea if he does that at home but boy did he go nuts. Just harmless fun obviously. But after hearing him yelling, "to fart and beyond" into a very loud microphone, followed quickly by, "I'm going to fart on your face" at my son, I quickly interjected. My kids simply don't use that word. Not to say they're better or anything - they won't shut up about using the word, "toot." I just don't use it myself being that it has a round "r" sound in the US - and I don't like using words like that. Amusingly right after telling my own kids that they aren't to say things like that because it's rude my son took it upon himself to remind the boy that, "yes, it's rude." Obviously he kept it up. Got to admire the commitment and endurance at least.

Lastly I thought you'd like to see my daughter's Wall Of Whores. She doesn't call it that obviously. They're magnets that you keep on the fridge and can dress up. But she also doesn't dress them up properly and then randomly shrieks that she can see their knickers.

1 comment:

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