Monday, December 9, 2013

The Pork Cheerio

I feel like I've been dipping my anus in bleach.

I used to own a cat that was so depraved that it genuinely bothered me. It did all the normal cat things that you'd expect. Especially that thing where when you stroke it in a particular fashion it would raise it's arse way up into the air in a slightly-too sexual manner. But worse was that every morning when I woke I would find it hovering in front of me - tail raised - winking it's disturbing, pink anus at me in the hope that something very unpleasant might happen. I never became comfortable with it. Good lord the thing looked like a pork Cheerio.

Anyhoo that horrifying image came to mind this past weekend after the kids and I got back from a local restaurant and they instantly began churning out that sour, stinging, diarrhea we all love so much. And considering that I and my girlfriend have spent the weekend getting crippling cramps and taking annoyingly frequent trips to the bathroom I've decided to blame it on the restaurant. It may be a stomach bug of sorts but considering the food wasn't particularly tasty anyway I'm more inclined to blame the oddly, greasy pulled-pork for the fact my ringpiece feels like I've been dousing it with Dettol (I haven't, by the way).

Carrying on in a similar theme my ex-wife was introducing the kids to her new other-half on Sunday. Which can be an awkward and odd thing to do. Especially on this occasion as the moment he did so he'd also meet his girlfriend's ex-husband in her house. Bit odd then. Obviously I'm not a turnip so I made every effort to make it all smooth and pleasant. After all if they're happy our whole family is happy. Add the ex and my girlfriend have got on very well indeed because quite simply there's no need for it to be weird once you've divorced on amicable terms. So - my job yesterday was basically to not have the kids bouncing around naked to techno, deranged and mental when they arrived.

Amusingly though my son had been taught that a really fun game is to jump on a stomp-rocket whilst pointed at, "the enemy" (which had been me all Saturday, for what it's worth). And when they walked through the door his gift to them was to twat them in the chops with that. A nice mood breaker I thought. Of course more amusing to me was that for some random reason I thought it'd be funny to teach them to pretend to be skunks all morning. Which entailed them crawling about pretending to spray everything with their arses for hours on end whilst listening to the rather marvelous Swastika Eyes by Primal Scream. Which they proudly carried out as I was leaving. I took some quality videos of it myself in the morning. The first one I debated putting up purely because as funny as it is it does wander somewhat down Savile territory. I'm well aware that innocent stupidness can be seen by some in an entirely different, evil light. But fuck them - it's hilarious. And the second video is a must purely because it's not often you see two skunk-children attempting to spray into each others arses.

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