Thursday, January 23, 2014

A Red Mist

There are two things in my life that cause me to rapidly descend into an illogical rage. I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to avoi having anything to do with them. Just thinking about them makes me so angry that it gives me energy. They are of course, co-ax cables and cling film. I can now add to that short-list of blood-lust those people who won't touch a door.

I've mentioned before how the simple act of plugging the cable into the back of a TV in this country has been over-complicated to an unnecessary degree. Instead of a simple male/female plug in it involves an annoying series of screws that can only be completed if held at a certain angle. Which I apparently cannot do. It's usually twenty seconds after attempting to plug this cable in that I want to smash the television screen in with a chair. The only thing more infuriating than that is cling film (that's Saran wrap for the Americans here). I literally have never, ever successfully applied it to anything. As soon as my hand grips each end it crumples into a useless,transparent mess of failure. It's at that moment that I'm certain that everyone else is lying and this stuff has purely been designed to fucking irritate me. The rage wells up in me so violently that I angrily ball it up and let out a primal scream so intense that it sounds like I'm auditioning for a death metal band.

I recently encountered another small thing that apparently still infuriates me as much as both of these. That being the person who literally refuses to touch a door being held open for them. There are basically two kinds of people in the world. Those who understand the etiquette of a door being held open, and those that fuck hamsters. Those are the only two types. And I loathe those pricks that dodge touching a door when it’s understood that they were supposed to. I don’t mean those people who walk through a door held for them knowing that you’re going to remain holding it. That’s a contract that you’ve both quickly whipped up. And I don’t even mean those who blag it or confuse your politeness and assume you are going to hold it until their all the way through. They at least can be spotted by their clumsiness when they openly and physically display that they thought this was an all-the-way-through-the-door deal. It’s usually punctuated with one of those “oh silly me” smiles.

No – I mean those wankers who literally twist their way through the doorway when it’s clear to all that you are just holding it with your fingertips until they placed their hand on the door. Which leads to them dodging any responsibility to make a fucking effort and hold it for anyone behind them. And somehow at the same time making you look like a spiteful, mean fuckwit for almost letting a door smack right into their stupid, lazy face. These are the kinds of people who are so ungrateful and selfish that whilst they curve through the doorway - desperate not to touch it – they even give off a look that firmly suggests that your simple act of politeness was a total dick thing to do. That scowl on their face of, "you almost touched me with your stupid door..." genuinely grates my very soul to such degree that I want to smother their face in cling film and suffocate them to death right there in the doorway.

The irony of course being that as I attempted to cover their stupid face with the cling film it would ball-up on itself leading to only a tiny portion of their forehead being covered. Whilst their mouth - the very thing I was trying to cover - remained entirely uncovered.

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