Friday, January 24, 2014

Double Tap

Two quick things this morning.

Firstly - the sound of flag rings chinking against a flag pole really gets on my tits. The neighbor has one of those absurd 30 foot poles with his Patriotic Victory Flag (yes, I am well aware it's called the Stars and Stripes - I'm being facetious) casting a shadow over the street next door. I've not quite understood the purpose of having a flag personally. They're everywhere - which is fine I guess. But it does give the impression that I live on disputed land in a distant outpost that has just been claimed in a war. But worse to my selfish sensibilities is the damn noise. That incessant pinging is infuriating.I'm not 100% certain, but I imagine if the neighbor catches a foreigner ripping his flag down whilst screaming, "I hate this fucking thing" it may be the touch-paper that starts what I'm going to be calling The Cheesestick Wars.

And don't let anyone be telling you that up here in Yankee-ville it's all cultured and tolerant. You don't have to go too far to find a Confederate flag that has absolutely nothing to do with heritage and everything to do with racism. See them all over. If Dick Cheney really wants to argue that "enhanced interrogation" works he should just plonk the poor bastards in Gitmo at the base of a flagpole for a week. Oh - and just remember - if you ever attend a speaking event and Cheney asks at the end if there are any questions thathe freely uses the phrase above in place of "questioning". So feel free to stick a bag on his head and go mental.

Secondly I really wish couples who share social media - Facebook mainly - would take a damn, good look at themselves. The sappy, "you're the best thing in my life" shit is annoying enough. If only because it's inevitably being written whilst sat next to the person who's supposed to get that message. But dear God I wish people would stop posting raunchy, flirty messages to their own partners on there. It's the lamest version of public foreplay in history. Nobody wants to see the phrase, "I'm going to lick you like a fudgsicle later." Particularly when it appears the two of you have eaten quite a lot of fudge in your time. I'll never understand those people who repeatedly post photos of their wedding day with sickening messages to their spouse underneath. I have an friend who updates her main photo constantly to a new wedding photo in between status updates about how her husband of many painful years is a total fucking moron. Hurts my brain.

Messages to babies are even more ridiculous. Facebook isn't a combination wish-list/letter-to-Santa/infant-communication-translator. And it's also not a place to write messages to dead relatives. That shit is creepy. It's a place to talk bollocks to your friends, secretly look at your friends boobs and post funny things you've nicked from Twitter. Plus faux-personal messages about how much of a perfect gift a baby is doesn't really sit well in the context of endless streams of commentary about how shit life is. This is why I never put anything gushingly positive and praiseworthy about my family online ever. I can tell them that stuff face-to-face. On Facebook I stick specifically to why at least one of my kids needs a muzzle. Still - I have this awful fear that after I die I'll be stood at judgement and an angel will tell me I can't come in. When I ask why they'll then tell me it's because they've checked my FB history and not once did I directly address my daughter with a message about how proud I was of her at dance class. Particularly galling as she dances like she's covered in invisible bees that she can't get off.

And while we're at it please stop posting about missing children/dogs from around the entire globe. It's not helpful at all and actually makes it seem like you're boasting about how you're hiding them in your basement.

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