Wednesday, July 8, 2015

The Amish Dildo

Many years ago I was walking down the stairwell of a multi-storey car park when I two items  that should never be within fifty feet of one another. In the same corner of that stairwell I found a potato and a vibrator. After a lot of deliberation the only thing I can think of is that the owner of said vibrator had no batteries. And - being aware of those potato-powered clocks you can get in craft stores - tried to combine the two. An Amish Dildo, if you will. More to the point, Mr. Potato Head (that's much cleverer than you're giving me credit for) was in the stairwell outside where I worked. In the daytime. Meaning there was quite a good chance someone I worked with had been gripped with spud-lust during a smoke-break and had popped outside for a quick bit of fish and chips.

The reason I'm bringing this up is that I've taken to walking to a few places lately. Around Glendale at this time of the year that's usually only done by people banned from driving, people too poor to own a car and silly people in some sort of Fitbit Steps challenge who don't seem to know how hot it is. Mostly I've just been walking to the library through the college campus and park, or to Starbucks at Ridiculous O'clock (that's 5am, in case you wondered). Last weekend I got caught in my first monsoon proper here. And got happily soaked.

Wetin all the wrong places. The main one being Arizona.
 But in the dying embers of that storm something odd happened that inadvertently reminded me of the Spud-U-Like story from above. That being it was hammering it down. It was early. And with the camouflage of daylight and the hustle of daytime city life stripped away I could see some of the grime underneath. I've mentioned that where I am is right on the cusp between half-decent and dumpster-diving haven. On my walk from my place to Starbucks - which is an okay area - I stroll through the edge of a moderately shitty suburb.

Slumped against a wall of a CVS was a young guy - possibly around twenty years old. He wasn't asleep - but clearly wasn't really awake either. And he was propped out in the open - pounded by rain - and clearly off his tits on something. Half way down a fairly quiet residential street a guy on a BMX - clearly too small for him - came tearing up the road as fast as he could. Innocently I figured he was just getting to where he needed to be at 5.30am in a rainstorm. But then not only was he shirtless, but he came hurtling quite close towards me only to spin around and zoom back off the way he came. Eyes wide open. Clearly still gripped by whatever it was he'd had hours earlier. And then lastly sat on a wall outside some pretty shady apartments - near a liquor store that seemed quite confident that it needed bars over correlated sheet windows (yes, I just anthropomorphized a liquor store) - sat two teenagers. Dressed in the stereotype of absolutely massive jeans, that despite having enough material in them to actually make two pairs of jeans, are worn so that a good four or five inches of very unpleasant, cheap boxer shorts can be seen underneath. Think Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad - but with way more Hanes hemline. It was still raining. And still not even 6am. Yet these clearly-not-going-to-bed-this-weekend guys felt confident in asking me if I had a cigarette. And when I said no they me that look of knowing that dudes still up at 6am on a Saturday have something on them. Though usually they aren't singing The Weather Girls and carrying a trenta iced coffee.

All of which brings me to the happy fact that I'm moving in just under three weeks. About ten miles north to a nice part of town. Nicer apartment. Closer to my kids school. Less meth-heads you'd think. I've only got the two photos of the new place. One is the pool outside my place. And another is your bog-standard, apartment kitchen.

That's looks like a huge, dead grasshopper on the fridge
Is that actual water in the pool?
Compare with the snot-green, jello-like quality of the pool at my current place.

Pie an peas
 I mean seriously. One of those pools will give you thrush. Whereas the other you might get pregnant in.

If you ask nicely.

Meow.

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