Saturday, January 9, 2016

Slowly Warmed Plums

Today my son strolled out into the living room - naked - with a perplexed look on his face. "Daddy - what is this bit?"


My kids do have a habit of walking through the front door and shedding almost every item of clothing. Normally this is much later in the day. They seem to think there's a competition to see who can be ready for bed first. At 5pm. I say seem. Because I don't whip everything off they then mock me as if I'm utterly pathetic for still being dressed whilst they strut about in underpants. It's the oddest thing to feel inadequate about. To their credit they do have a tendency to look out the window to check if the sun is going down in any way first. If there's even the remotest hint of that then off it all comes.

Yep - it's all coming off.
  But today it was the middle of the day. My daughter was dancing in the living room. He'd wandered off into my bedroom. Where he was rolling around on my bed play-fighting an imaginary beast with his enormous sword. For anyone wondering I don't do any sort euphemistic, grown up version of this. He'd gone off in there because his sister was listening to her latest favorite Girl Power song. When he made a bit of a grumpy show of being forced to leave (complete with dramatic eye roll) she did change it to another song and gleefully yelled "look there are naked, hero men in this one - you like them!" Which was one of those moments where I really didn't want to know about any of this. So I carried on washing the dishes. A moment later he walked into the kitchen nude. With a quizzical look on his face. 

My son is five. And as such it's a safe bet that every other sentence includes a reference to parts of the body he finds somewhat rude. The context behind it really depends on the time of day. If it's after school then there's a darker, cheekiness behind it. Very much a "look what rudeness I'm saying!" tinge to it. In the morning or during the weekend and he's usually just being five. Very infrequently it involves actually pointing out or revealing something. Mostly his arse. On the whole though he tends to know that if he says or does anything along those lines in public then he's in trouble. However there is one now-famous incident where I showed up at his school gate to pick him up. My son - ever helpful - informed me instantly that he just told his teacher (context is unclear) that "my Daddy has a penis like me - but massive." The important thing to note here is he told her - and the horde of parents and teachers knocking about just as I was picking him up. Then I had to ask the mother of another kid if she could move slightly so we could squeeze past. And every single person there could tell I wanted to say, "you know - because of my massive cock."

Anyhoo - my son stood in the kitchen trying to point at under his willy and demanding I look. I was not prepared for this at all. And when there's absolutely no preparation for that kind of unexpected sight you cannot help but let out a very loud noise. Fifty percent of which is confusion and the other fifty percent is just the noise your brain makes to scare away whatever the hell it knows your eyes are looking at. Essentially my son had discovered that there appears to be this other part to his penis that isn't just the bit he can normally see. I don't even know if at age five you can call that part of the body your testicles. But he'd discovered something and wanted to know what it was. My brain raced. For some annoying reason the thought entered my mind that - in the seedier parts of the online dating world - testicles are probably called Tinder Eggs. "It's like I've got another elbow growing." He was entirely unaware of how close he was to an urban dictionary definition there. The only other thing he said was an "actually Daddy" statement where he gave me that look where he knew he was teaching me something I couldn't possibly know. Which in this case was to tell me a completely unrelated comment about how a boy at school told his teacher that one a week women lay eggs (a disturbing bastardization of the menstrual cycle, if ever there was one) when clearly only chickens lay eggs. 


Needless to say I did that thing you have to do of explaining to a five year old that it's just a normal part of the body. And resist any notion of talking about how puberty will cause enormous changes. I didn't quite think "don't mention pubes". But I think that's because I don't think I've ever thought it was reasonable not to. Fortunately in the middle of a three minute answer he wandered off to go put on a pair of just-dried underpants. Which was when I realized he did that earlier in the week too. Meaning he heard the ugly buzzer going on the dryer last Tuesday and knew  that was the alarm for Fresh Warm Knickers. So he wasn't just in my room contorting himself into uncomfortable shapes trying to figure out bits of his body he normally doesn't get a good look at. No - instead he's developed an odd sense of decadence that if the dryer is doen then he can warm hsi plums.

The boy's clearly weird.

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